The things no one tells you about being a mom

People tell you motherhood is rewarding, fun, challenging and hard. They say you don't know love until you have a child, they tell you your life will change forever. All of these thing are true but there are so many things no one tells you.
About the time I quit blogging before I had a hysterectomy for various reasons. I was glad to me done with the pain of periods but I was also distressed about losing a part of myself and letting go of something that I felt defined me. For so long I had been either pregnant or nursing and while I knew my child raising days were just beginning I felt uneasy about never having a baby again. No one toldme, warned me that I would lose myself in motherhood. That I would give myself so completely to children that there would be no roomforanything else.  I started worrying about what I would do with myself and even who I was. It was unsettling. While I was knee deep in diapers and laundry I had somehow lost sight of who I really was. I was a mother and it seemed nothing else. I didn't know how to be anything else. I started to panic, internal turmoil took over. What would my marriage be like when all our kids were gone if I stayed solely focused on  my kids? Who would I be? What would I find pleasure and meaning in?
 I began soul searching and decided I had to find myself, to define myself as more than a mother. To find meaning and pleasure in myself, to enjoy being a person.
 So I returned to school and found a job as a breastfeeding counselor for the WIC program. At first it was a struggle to give up control of all the things I was used to doing at home. I spent the first few weeks in a state of panic, I had been home for so long I didn't know how to juggle it all. I was only working part time and parts of me was giddy over the ability to get dressed up, leave my kids and interact with other adults. Other parts of me felt guilt for leaving my kids and enjoying it. That's another thing no one tells about, the guilt. Mothers are filled with guilt. Am I good enough? Should I work? Should I stay at home? And on and on.
 But I pressed on and fell I love with my job. With helping other moms, the time away from my kids, having a paycheck and finally feeling like a person, like more than just a mother. I began to change, to do things I used to love, to try new things, to make my husband a priority.  It felt amazing. I had really missed being me!!  The fear I had felt a few short months ago about losing myself was replaced  with relief that I was more than a mother, with joy that I could find happiness in other things and with excitement over all the things I wanted to accomplish.
  I am back at home now after 18 months of working. I can honestly say I have learned so much about life, motherhood and myself in the past few years than I could have ever imagined. Looking back I can clearly see the lessons God provided for me.  He showed me that I am important, not just as a mother but as an individual. I matter, my thoughts, feelings, dreams and desires matter. I think every mom should know that while her role as a mother is absolutely important, it should not become her only role.

2nd chances

 I used to have a blog. I wrote about my kids, my family and sometimes my struggles. I found it cathartic to write but I never felt comfortable enough to really share the deep stuff. Eventually life got in the way and I stopped posting. I think I was mostly blogging for others then. Lots has changed since my last post there 2 years ago and something in me yearns for an outlet. So I started this blog.. for myself. Not to share cute pictures of my kids, not to showcase the things that are right and good in my life, just to be real. I just want a place to unload my baggage, to unpack my worries and hopefully a place to find some clarity in the chaos that is my life.
  I thought about just keeping a private journal but there is just something so freeing about a public confession, even if no one reads it. Maybe it's a bit like confession at a Catholic church. Sure you can come clean with God in your own home but there is just a little more ownership when you admit to another earthly being all the things you've done or not done.
    So here I am in this fresh, newborn year giving blogging a second chance. I love second chances.